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The Onion
Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating CandlesWASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles.
Categories: Comic Relief
Man Wants To Give To Local PBS Affiliate But Can't Stand Thought Of Free Doo-Wop AlbumCategories: Comic Relief
Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With GrandparentsLOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag...
Categories: Comic Relief
Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant GalaxyHOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13...
Categories: Comic Relief
American Voices: Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old GirlfriendA 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit.
Categories: Comic Relief
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over HeadRepublicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.
Categories: Comic Relief
Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term MemoriesLIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "...
Categories: Comic Relief
TV Listings: Meet The PressNBC
10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST
David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.
Categories: Comic Relief
Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury GoatsCategories: Comic Relief
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
Categories: Comic Relief
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.
Categories: Comic Relief
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Infamous Quotes I want to put a ding in the universe. |