Wazzup?

All contents © Rounder Graphics. All rights reserved, view our copyright statement for details. Please report any issues to the webmistress.

This website is accessible!


This website has been tested for web content accessibility!


The CSS of this website validates!


The XHTML of this website validates!



The Onion
Syndicate content The Onion
America's Finest News Source
Updated: 23 min 26 sec ago

Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 3:00pm
Marla? Get in here. Where the fuck is Diane with my coffee? I sent her out 15 minutes ago for a large cup of fair-trade Ethiopian Dark Roast from the La Paz coffee shop. How hard could it be? You walk your ass to the corner, hand them my Utne Reader travel mug, plunk down the money, and pick up the coffee. Add a little soy milk and two natural-cane sugar packets, and you make sure the lid is tight. That's so simple, even Diane should be able to do it without fucking up.
Categories: Comic Relief

[audio] Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 9:00am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Comic Relief

Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 6:00am
AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.
Categories: Comic Relief

Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 2:00am
WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore the pristine splendor of America's natural treasures," President Bush Monday unveiled "Project: National Parks Clean-Up," an ambitious program to remove all toxic petrochemical deposits from national parks by 2004.
Categories: Comic Relief

U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 1:00am
WASHINGTON, DC—High summer temperatures and ever-increasing levels of U.S. beverage consumption are causing ice cubes across the nation to melt at "an alarmingly unprecedented rate," the U.S. Department of Consumer Affairs reported Tuesday.
Categories: Comic Relief

Beaver Overthinking Dam

Sun, 07/06/2008 - 12:00am
HUNTSVILLE, ONTARIO—Not content with functionalism, beaver Dennis Messner strives for integration-minded post-modernism.
Categories: Comic Relief

An Open Letter To Those Of You Who Blew Off My Arbor Day Party

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 4:00pm
I'll admit, Arbor Day isn't as big a holiday as Thanksgiving or Independence Day. But to my mind, it's every bit as special. It signifies the symbiotic relationship we have with the land in a way that no other holiday does, not even Easter. It is The Little Holiday That Could and, as such, it holds a special place in my heart—a place I thought I could share with my closest friends and coworkers. Well, I guess you all showed me.
Categories: Comic Relief

Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 3:00pm
Ever since my retirement last month from the sock factory, I've had a lot of extra time to spend around the yard. But the hours of pleasurable pruning I had planned to enjoy with my new cordless rechargeable Master Clipper have been cruelly withheld from me. Instead, my afternoons have been spent in an unending feud with those motherfucking robins that infest my yard. All my attempts to coexist with these creatures on my meticulously trimmed, lush suburban lawn have failed, leaving me with no choice but to exterminate them. Do you hear me, you lousy, cocksucking robins? This is war!
Categories: Comic Relief

[audio] Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 9:00am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Comic Relief

Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 7:00am
WASHINGTON, DC— Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the group is "less a Senate subcommittee than a big family. "[Senator] Harry [Reid (D-NV)] isn't just chairman of our subcommittee. He's more like a dad to us," Domenici said. "We can talk to him about anything that's troubling us, even if it has nothing to do with the allocation of hydroelectric power."
Categories: Comic Relief

Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 6:00am
FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a...
Categories: Comic Relief

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 2:00am
NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.
Categories: Comic Relief

Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 1:00am
VATICAN CITY—The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.
Categories: Comic Relief

Deciding Vote On Wetlands Preservation Bill Rests With The Littlest Senator

Sat, 07/05/2008 - 12:00am
WASHINGTON, DC—Congress narrowly passed the McCann-Hawkins Florida Wetlands Preservation Bill Tuesday, with the deciding vote coming from an unlikely source: Sen. Dwight Q. Peabody (D-RI), the Littlest Senator.
Categories: Comic Relief

I Refuse To Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 4:00pm
Joshua! Kylie! Help your father and me unload the minivan. You can take care of the lighter things, like the mini-cooler and the badminton net. Daddy will carry the poles. Take your beach towels, too, and don't forget that Ziploc bag with the sunscreen. I don't want you kids getting sunburns. They say the worst skin damage occurs when you're young. Joshua? Kylie? Why are you still in the van? You haven't even unbuckled your seatbelts. Let's go!
Categories: Comic Relief

Having A Gardener Is A Wonderful Hobby

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 3:00pm
If you had asked me three years ago if I was ever going to have a gardener, I probably would have thought you were out of your tree. Sure, I loved...
Categories: Comic Relief

Bald Eagles Thriving

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 12:00pm
A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?
Categories: Comic Relief

[audio] Arizona Burned To Stop California Wildfire

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 9:00am
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Comic Relief

Temperature Of Coffee Expected To Rise Nine Degrees By End Of 21st Century

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 8:00am
WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Union of Concerned Dietitians stated that not only will the temperature of coffee increase by nearly...
Categories: Comic Relief

Student Snaps Awake Upon Hearing Word 'Hydroponics'

Fri, 07/04/2008 - 7:00am
COLLEGE STATION, TX–Texas A&M sophomore Bryan Datillo was jolted from a light sleep during a Botany 101 lecture Monday, when his professor, discussing the various methods by which experimental hybrid crops are developed, uttered the word "hydroponics." "I was kind of dozing off, but then I heard Professor Guyer say 'hydroponics,'" Datillo said. "I was like, 'Whoa! Now we're finally getting somewhere.' Unfortunately, he just said some boring shit about tomatoes, so I went back to sleep."
Categories: Comic Relief

Gallery

About PPC
 
 

Infamous Quotes

I want to put a ding in the universe.



— Steve Jobs



Syndicate

Syndicate content