Marla? Get in here. Where the fuck is Diane with my coffee? I sent her out 15 minutes ago for a large cup of fair-trade Ethiopian Dark Roast from the La Paz coffee shop. How hard could it be? You walk your ass to the corner, hand them my Utne Reader travel mug, plunk down the money, and pick up the coffee. Add a little soy milk and two natural-cane sugar packets, and you make sure the lid is tight. That's so simple, even Diane should be able to do it without fucking up.

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore the pristine splendor of America's natural treasures," President Bush Monday unveiled "Project: National Parks Clean-Up," an ambitious program to remove all toxic petrochemical deposits from national parks by 2004.

WASHINGTON, DC—High summer temperatures and ever-increasing levels of U.S. beverage consumption are causing ice cubes across the nation to melt at "an alarmingly unprecedented rate," the U.S. Department of Consumer Affairs reported Tuesday.

HUNTSVILLE, ONTARIO—Not content with functionalism, beaver Dennis Messner strives for integration-minded post-modernism.

I'll admit, Arbor Day isn't as big a holiday as Thanksgiving or Independence Day. But to my mind, it's every bit as special. It signifies the symbiotic relationship we have with the land in a way that no other holiday does, not even Easter. It is The Little Holiday That Could and, as such, it holds a special place in my heart—a place I thought I could share with my closest friends and coworkers. Well, I guess you all showed me.

Ever since my retirement last month from the sock factory, I've had a lot of extra time to spend around the yard. But the hours of pleasurable pruning I had planned to enjoy with my new cordless rechargeable Master Clipper have been cruelly withheld from me. Instead, my afternoons have been spent in an unending feud with those motherfucking robins that infest my yard. All my attempts to coexist with these creatures on my meticulously trimmed, lush suburban lawn have failed, leaving me with no choice but to exterminate them. Do you hear me, you lousy, cocksucking robins? This is war!

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

WASHINGTON, DC— Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the group is "less a Senate subcommittee than a big family. "[Senator] Harry [Reid (D-NV)] isn't just chairman of our subcommittee. He's more like a dad to us," Domenici said. "We can talk to him about anything that's troubling us, even if it has nothing to do with the allocation of hydroelectric power."

FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a...

NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress narrowly passed the McCann-Hawkins Florida Wetlands Preservation Bill Tuesday, with the deciding vote coming from an unlikely source: Sen. Dwight Q. Peabody (D-RI), the Littlest Senator.

Joshua! Kylie! Help your father and me unload the minivan. You can take care of the lighter things, like the mini-cooler and the badminton net. Daddy will carry the poles. Take your beach towels, too, and don't forget that Ziploc bag with the sunscreen. I don't want you kids getting sunburns. They say the worst skin damage occurs when you're young. Joshua? Kylie? Why are you still in the van? You haven't even unbuckled your seatbelts. Let's go!

If you had asked me three years ago if I was ever going to have a gardener, I probably would have thought you were out of your tree. Sure, I loved...

A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Union of Concerned Dietitians stated that not only will the temperature of coffee increase by nearly...

Originally posted to the Sidebar by "Welbog"...

I'm working on bug patrol for a generic data-entry app. It has a grid view that lets users input data, as well as a set of other views in addition to the grid, such as a regular winform-like deal. One of the things the app has is a trigger-like system, in which classes of a certain interface are called at certain points in the life of a record. So if a record is deleted from any view, data about this deletion is passed to an object invoked via reflection. The idea being the 'trigger' doesn't have to care about what view the user is using, just the data.

Anyway, onto the anonymized code. This is the "BeforeDelete" function, which lets the action decide whether or not the delete action should be permitted. If it returns true, the delete can continue. If it returns false, it must stop.

Public Function BeforeDelete(ByVal controller As Object, _ ByVal GUIDs() As String) As Boolean Implements BeforeDelete Dim RecordFound As Boolean If TypeOf controller Is SpecificController Then Dim SpecController As SpecificController = CType(controller, SpecificController) Dim RowIndex As Integer = SpecController.View.Grid.ActiveRowIndex SpecController.View.Grid.ActiveRowIndex = RowIndex Dim ItemGuid As String = CStr(SpecController.View.Grid.Cell(RowIndex, 3).Value) RecordFound = DataFacade.GetRecordCount(ItemGuid) If RecordFound = False Then Throw Exception(...) Else Return True End If End If End Function

WTFs:

1. Throwing an exception instead of returning false, which is what it should be doing.
2. DataFacade.GetRecordCount returns a boolean. I have no idea why this is. I don't think I want to know.
3. Getting the active row and then immediately setting the active row to that row. WTF?
4. The biggest WTF of all, is that this function goes to look up the value of a GUID in the grid, and specifically the grid, so that this event can be bypassed in the other view types. Guess what ItemGuid contains once it gets to the GetRecordCount call? Yeah. It contains GUIDs(0). Even better: you can delete multiple records from the grid, and this function ignores that and only tries to delete the active one.

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