WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles.

Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well

Man Wants To Give To Local PBS Affiliate But Can't Stand Thought Of Free Doo-Wop Album

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast!

LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag...

HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13...

Talking Trash

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit.

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.

Ever since being hired, Adam had spent most of his time working on new projects.

He was aware that there was an "old system" running out there and would someday be shut down and his efforts were to help this come about, but he never had the opportunity to cross paths with it.  Based on what he had heard though, this was a very, very good thing.

However, once Adam had earned a reputation of his own of being a good problem solver, he was soon asked to peek at the "old" (ok, current) system and see how it worked. You know, the in lieu of a functional design document, he received the order "Just make it work like it does now".

In the one source file he was on, Adam quickly found the following which he considered to probably be the finest bit of coding he had ever seen.

//These fucking wankers wanted it unfucked private bool un-fuck(int fuck-v) { if (fuck-v == 1) { return true; } else { return false; } }

And it didn't stop there. After a quick search he found 20 shits, 25 fucks, 15 bollocks, and 8 assholes in the rest of the code.  The swear words were found mostly in the comments, but he did find some cases where the arrangement of variables and function names made for some rather "interesting" business logic.

This of course left Adam with a small dilemma - how does one document something that is not safe for work?

Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

Completely Whipped Man Crying At Wife’s Funeral

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "...

On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

NBC 10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.

Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.